We all know the feeling. When our stomachs turn, and we experience an almost desensitizing feeling run from our gut and up our throats. Our hands get tingly, our legs go weak and we just KNOW something is wrong.
When this happens, you can only hope you have something to help you take your mind off of whatever it is that you were trying to avoid and remain immune too.
How about the times when you’re sitting there in the dark, literally and metaphorically? You're alone to your thoughts. You don’t know what’s wrong, you can’t see anything that could be wrong, and no matter how long you're sitting in this darkness, your eyes cannot adjust to the lack of light. The darkness is soooo heavy that you can't make out any sort of shapes. You feel like you're surrounded by nothing, all alone. You are going to be the death of yourself, again literally and metaphorically.
The only times you can escape this void is when you look back into the past at the mistakes, or inactions you had committed. But it’s the past that has placed you into this hole in the first place, isn’t it?
So you sit there, remembering, recalling, and replaying; over and over. And each time you do that tingly feeling returns and more powerfully with each new wave of memory. Each time you come back to your empty reality, the darkness is even heavier, and darker. You realize that as much of an escape going back into the past is, it is only ever a momentary relief, for upon your return to your aloneness and thoughts, you are even more hurt.
The trouble with this is, you can still be happy. This isn’t an issue of sorrow and joy. This feeling deals with the cumbersome emotions you carry on your shoulders that get harder to deal with, the more you try to do it alone.
Your momentary happiness is just that: momentary. And the second it’s over, it is replaced by the feeling you knew would come: drudgery.
You begin to conclude that being upset hurts, and being happy hurts more. You can’t win.
So you pull back into your turtle shell and try to peer off into the distance. You keep your focus blurred, because you know that if your vision sharpens you will see truth starring right back at you.
You made a mistake. You tried to fix it. You gave up when it got hard. Truth is telling you, that you fail.
So what now? No matter what you do you can’t help yourself.
You’re letting time deal you a better hand, and you’re hoping that this time, you fool your opponent; because clearly you can’t fool yourself.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Liar, Liar. Pants on Fire.
What makes us different? Individuals? What makes us better than the person standing next to us? Is it how we talk? How we dress? Is it the number of zeros in our bank account? How about the stories we tell, I mean, our life experiences, that’s surly what makes us better than the next person. Or is it our crazyness that defines diversity. Could I ever say I know I’m better then you because of who I know? Or, who I don’t know…. Who I want you to think I know.
There are people who create alternate universes, people with multiple personality disorders; people who are deranged and possibly dangerous. We call those people crazy. They, to us, are not normal.
However, do we not all day dream? We create ideas in our minds that, at times, are contrary to the concept of ‘the real world’. This idea of a daydream, the visionary fantasy that is experienced while awake, is it not an alternate universe? And what happens if it is taken as a reality? What if we told stories of our daydreams as if they had really happened? There are people out there who do just that. We call those people liars. They, to us, are normal.
I mean, we all lie a little don’t we? We extend the truth to make it more appeasing to our audience. Add a witty remark to our story and then claim to have said it, when really it never crossed our mind when the incident was actually occurring. Sometimes, our listeners accept these false statements, and move on, never thinking back to what it was you said.
I’m no doctor. I do not understand the way our minds work.
I have realized, from experience however, that sometimes, I recall statements that were marked irrelevant by my mind when they were first spoken, but then at a later event sparked permanently into my memory.
For example, a person says “I killed an alligator over the weekend.” I’d think, “wow, cool,” and then move on to the next cool story, usually dismissing the alligator story. And exactly one week later this same person says, “I was in Alaska two weekends ago.” This is when we pull out our common knowledge and logically conclude that two weekends ago was the SAME weekend. I set aside in my brain that these two facts are completely conflicting; there is no freaking way that there was a free roaming alligator in Alaska…
But when do we accuse someone of a deception. Where do we draw the line between a petty lie told, because the truth would hurt, and a complete intentionally told tale?( And when I say complete, I mean detailed to the dotted I’s and crossed T’s.) Would that not be the same as drawing a fine line between a crazy person and a liar?
When can we point our stubby, ignorant fingers and say, “what you are saying is a lie. You are a liar” when it is in our human nature to, at times, avoid the truth.
How about, when the lie is so far-fetched or when it’s so poorly planned out. So pathetic that it makes us cringe as we listen to it. Sometimes impossible to listen too, so we pick out every little aspect our minds deem ‘false’. What do we do in this case? Do we call the person out? What do we say? How do we deal with something when it HURTS to believe, but kills all the same to call the truth?
What defines an unhealthy liar?
How about the notion that they are lying without any motive that is aware to others? Or when lying becomes a lifestyle one must live by NOT because they dug themselves so deep, but because they have become entirely compulsive?
It is still to be determined if pathological liars have complete control over their lies and whether or not it is always consciously done.
“Pathological lying is falsification entirely disproportionate to any discernible end in view, may be extensive and very complicated, and may manifest over a period of years or even a lifetime”
So in a way we’re all crazy, pathalogical liars. We all have that one guy or girl we try to ditch out on a date with. Come up with insanely pathetic excuses. And we see their eyes light up when they recognize our lies. We sometimes stumble over our words as we try to save ourselves from stupid lies. We beat ourselves up for it for DAYS because we cannot believe that was the best we could come up with.
In this case, your intentions are clear to you, and to others, too. You did not want to go out with this person, and that is completely explainable.
How about the people who make up complete lives, people, locations, events that never happened? Lies that do not alter any past events, or any future outcomes. Lies that are clearly pointless and irrevocable….
Even in the midst of telling a lie, one can convince himself that it isn't really a lie or that it's for the other person's good. But in reality, a lie only contains selfish motivations. People just try to put a good face on it.
After all, most of the statements are ridiculously easy to disprove. To conclude this rant i guess I need to say, making such melodramatic and misleading claims may or may not be pathological, but it certainly isn't a sign that liars have a healthy relationship with reality.
There are people who create alternate universes, people with multiple personality disorders; people who are deranged and possibly dangerous. We call those people crazy. They, to us, are not normal.
However, do we not all day dream? We create ideas in our minds that, at times, are contrary to the concept of ‘the real world’. This idea of a daydream, the visionary fantasy that is experienced while awake, is it not an alternate universe? And what happens if it is taken as a reality? What if we told stories of our daydreams as if they had really happened? There are people out there who do just that. We call those people liars. They, to us, are normal.
I mean, we all lie a little don’t we? We extend the truth to make it more appeasing to our audience. Add a witty remark to our story and then claim to have said it, when really it never crossed our mind when the incident was actually occurring. Sometimes, our listeners accept these false statements, and move on, never thinking back to what it was you said.
I’m no doctor. I do not understand the way our minds work.
I have realized, from experience however, that sometimes, I recall statements that were marked irrelevant by my mind when they were first spoken, but then at a later event sparked permanently into my memory.
For example, a person says “I killed an alligator over the weekend.” I’d think, “wow, cool,” and then move on to the next cool story, usually dismissing the alligator story. And exactly one week later this same person says, “I was in Alaska two weekends ago.” This is when we pull out our common knowledge and logically conclude that two weekends ago was the SAME weekend. I set aside in my brain that these two facts are completely conflicting; there is no freaking way that there was a free roaming alligator in Alaska…
But when do we accuse someone of a deception. Where do we draw the line between a petty lie told, because the truth would hurt, and a complete intentionally told tale?( And when I say complete, I mean detailed to the dotted I’s and crossed T’s.) Would that not be the same as drawing a fine line between a crazy person and a liar?
When can we point our stubby, ignorant fingers and say, “what you are saying is a lie. You are a liar” when it is in our human nature to, at times, avoid the truth.
How about, when the lie is so far-fetched or when it’s so poorly planned out. So pathetic that it makes us cringe as we listen to it. Sometimes impossible to listen too, so we pick out every little aspect our minds deem ‘false’. What do we do in this case? Do we call the person out? What do we say? How do we deal with something when it HURTS to believe, but kills all the same to call the truth?
What defines an unhealthy liar?
How about the notion that they are lying without any motive that is aware to others? Or when lying becomes a lifestyle one must live by NOT because they dug themselves so deep, but because they have become entirely compulsive?
It is still to be determined if pathological liars have complete control over their lies and whether or not it is always consciously done.
“Pathological lying is falsification entirely disproportionate to any discernible end in view, may be extensive and very complicated, and may manifest over a period of years or even a lifetime”
So in a way we’re all crazy, pathalogical liars. We all have that one guy or girl we try to ditch out on a date with. Come up with insanely pathetic excuses. And we see their eyes light up when they recognize our lies. We sometimes stumble over our words as we try to save ourselves from stupid lies. We beat ourselves up for it for DAYS because we cannot believe that was the best we could come up with.
In this case, your intentions are clear to you, and to others, too. You did not want to go out with this person, and that is completely explainable.
How about the people who make up complete lives, people, locations, events that never happened? Lies that do not alter any past events, or any future outcomes. Lies that are clearly pointless and irrevocable….
Even in the midst of telling a lie, one can convince himself that it isn't really a lie or that it's for the other person's good. But in reality, a lie only contains selfish motivations. People just try to put a good face on it.
After all, most of the statements are ridiculously easy to disprove. To conclude this rant i guess I need to say, making such melodramatic and misleading claims may or may not be pathological, but it certainly isn't a sign that liars have a healthy relationship with reality.
What Makes us good & evil
If the entire human species were a single individual, that person would long ago have been declared mad. The insanity would not lie in the anger and darkness of the human mind- though it can be a black and raging place indeed. And it certainly wouldn’t lie in the transcendent goodness of that mind- one so sublime, we fold it into a larger ‘soul.” The madness would lie instead in the fact that both of those qualities, the savage and the splendid, can exist in one creature, one person, often in on instant.
We’re a species that is capable of almost dumbfounding kindness. We nurse one another, romance one another, weep for one another. Ever since science taught us how, we willingly tear the very organs from our bodies and give them to one another. And at the same time, we slaughter one another. The past 15 years of the human history are the temporal equivalent of those subatomic particles that are created in accelerators and vanish in a trillionth of a second, but in that fleeting instant, we’ve visited untold horrors on ourselves- in Mogadishu, Rwanda, Chechnya, Darfur, Beslan, Baghdad, Pakistan, London, Madrid, Lebanon, Isreal, New York…- all of the crimes committed by the highest, wisest, most principled species the planet has produced. That we’re also the lowest, cruelest, most blood-drenched species is our shame- and our paradox.
TIME magazine
We’re a species that is capable of almost dumbfounding kindness. We nurse one another, romance one another, weep for one another. Ever since science taught us how, we willingly tear the very organs from our bodies and give them to one another. And at the same time, we slaughter one another. The past 15 years of the human history are the temporal equivalent of those subatomic particles that are created in accelerators and vanish in a trillionth of a second, but in that fleeting instant, we’ve visited untold horrors on ourselves- in Mogadishu, Rwanda, Chechnya, Darfur, Beslan, Baghdad, Pakistan, London, Madrid, Lebanon, Isreal, New York…- all of the crimes committed by the highest, wisest, most principled species the planet has produced. That we’re also the lowest, cruelest, most blood-drenched species is our shame- and our paradox.
TIME magazine
Alright, alright. I loved you...
Ever look back at a life-altering event and, only, years later learn the lesson that came from it? Or finally come to a cold, hard, bitter truth about someone or something, and then had EVERYTHING come together all at once?
An epiphany sorta :) you know the kind… where you just feel so empowered with some new found knowledge, yet, ultimately powerless because you have no idea what to do with that new-found wisdom.
Usually when this happens, you're just left standing alone, overwhelmed and tired. Thirsty for whatever you feel needs to be done. You feel the need to move, because standing in one place only feels like you’re moving backwards, yet going forward feels wrong. It’s just, sort of, a deception to you and to others. You’re moving on when everyone knows you’re not moving toward anything, and you know you're not actually ready to move forward. Well that’s sort of a fallacy; only moving for the sake of saying that you are.
You feel like screamimg and yelling; you feel the need to just explode. You need action, a distraction. And there is no one you can run to who will actually understand.
Depressing, isn’t it; the realization that we are all actually alone? We’re more than alone, we’re helpless, desperate, confused. We do nothing to help ourselves, but we are the first to try and help each other. In our darkest moments, we seek comfort. When we experience a loss, we seek a replacement. A death forms new life; good will always find a way to come from bad... right?
We all build up castle-like walls to guard ourselves; we all dig a moat and fill it with dirty water. We put so much effort into strengthening our defenses, but in the end, we always have a drawbridge, and we manage to keep the gate open just long enough to let a stranger in. THAT is the point of no return.
And later you come to the realization that you’ve fucked up. Your moat has been neglected to the point where it’s dried. Your fortress walls have crumbled because you let one too many attacks go unnoticed. Only your damn bridge is intact because, all along, you were waiting for the stranger to come back, to help you reconstruct the damage he or she caused.
Your human instinct is to compartmentalize your experience. Store all the information. This is where you “learn from your mistake”. Tell yourself not to let anyone else in. This is when you write a mental note on where you went wrong... for next time...
Ha, next time you'll probably just judge people a little more harshly, or you'll defend yourself a little more. Next time you won’t let your guard fall at the first sweet word a stranger whispers, you'll probably just wait for the second... and all the while your mind will be screaming “NO.” You'll hear it, but you'll be talking yourself into believing what you want to believe, and your mind will slowly begin to settle. ‘Cause you are your own worst enemy and this is you creating your illusion of happiness.
So smile while you can. Pretend the good times were great and the shitty times were bearable. Lie to yourself, ‘cause in the end we're the best liars when we're determined. Pathological liars even... but really, what are humans, if not impulsive?
An epiphany sorta :) you know the kind… where you just feel so empowered with some new found knowledge, yet, ultimately powerless because you have no idea what to do with that new-found wisdom.
Usually when this happens, you're just left standing alone, overwhelmed and tired. Thirsty for whatever you feel needs to be done. You feel the need to move, because standing in one place only feels like you’re moving backwards, yet going forward feels wrong. It’s just, sort of, a deception to you and to others. You’re moving on when everyone knows you’re not moving toward anything, and you know you're not actually ready to move forward. Well that’s sort of a fallacy; only moving for the sake of saying that you are.
You feel like screamimg and yelling; you feel the need to just explode. You need action, a distraction. And there is no one you can run to who will actually understand.
Depressing, isn’t it; the realization that we are all actually alone? We’re more than alone, we’re helpless, desperate, confused. We do nothing to help ourselves, but we are the first to try and help each other. In our darkest moments, we seek comfort. When we experience a loss, we seek a replacement. A death forms new life; good will always find a way to come from bad... right?
We all build up castle-like walls to guard ourselves; we all dig a moat and fill it with dirty water. We put so much effort into strengthening our defenses, but in the end, we always have a drawbridge, and we manage to keep the gate open just long enough to let a stranger in. THAT is the point of no return.
And later you come to the realization that you’ve fucked up. Your moat has been neglected to the point where it’s dried. Your fortress walls have crumbled because you let one too many attacks go unnoticed. Only your damn bridge is intact because, all along, you were waiting for the stranger to come back, to help you reconstruct the damage he or she caused.
Your human instinct is to compartmentalize your experience. Store all the information. This is where you “learn from your mistake”. Tell yourself not to let anyone else in. This is when you write a mental note on where you went wrong... for next time...
Ha, next time you'll probably just judge people a little more harshly, or you'll defend yourself a little more. Next time you won’t let your guard fall at the first sweet word a stranger whispers, you'll probably just wait for the second... and all the while your mind will be screaming “NO.” You'll hear it, but you'll be talking yourself into believing what you want to believe, and your mind will slowly begin to settle. ‘Cause you are your own worst enemy and this is you creating your illusion of happiness.
So smile while you can. Pretend the good times were great and the shitty times were bearable. Lie to yourself, ‘cause in the end we're the best liars when we're determined. Pathological liars even... but really, what are humans, if not impulsive?
In a room full of perfect guys, I'll fall for the perfect asshole
My greatest flaw is that I see people for how I want to see them; or I see people as they would like to be seen. I can't turn a blind eye, ignore the blandly obvious, and even take shit on; I know all this, yet here I am still.I guess I'm exactly the person I don't want to be.
If I ever met me, I don't think I'd like me very much. Sometimes I wonder how transparent I am... But then I guess it all just depends on how observant the other person really is. I think other people know me and understand me better than I understand myself.I find confidence in my insecurities, yet I find insecurity in my confidence.I don't ever pretend to be someone I'm not, however I find myself if the company of those who are everything but themselves with me. I take their shit, and yet, here I am still.
And I can't fight or complain, because people never change. I have to become smart and mature, and learn what is important to me, and who is important to me. Sometimes I think I have it all figured out, but then one of the gay fuckers, who at the time mean the world to me, sends shit my way and completely throws me off.
Then there are the strangers who can make your life just by sitting next to you and asking you how you are. They are sincere and honest. I wish I could remain strangers with people forever. When this stranger becomes an acquaintance, the thrill of no commitment, no strings, no nothing, is gone. It’s just you and them. You get to know the person as they truly are rather then who they pretend to be, and half the time, I don't like who they are. But i take their shit anyway.
I'm a very picky person. I believe that I won't settle for anything but perfection in the end. The other night, I mentioned that I didn't think I was getting married. The response was that, that told the person a lot about me. Well, shit I guess it should. It should say that I'm not settling for anything if it's not what I want 100%. And why the fuck should I? I deserve to get what I want.
I really hate nosey people. LIke the ones who question my every word, my every fucking little quote or line. If i thought you should know, I would probably tell you before you even had to ask.
I hate liers who can't lie. Like fuck, just give up on the idea, cause trust me, everyone is laughing.
I write about it hoping that seeing it in black and white might make me truly believe what I know, what I have known for a long time now. There are people in your life that don't deserve to be in it. Having to force a smile, a hug or a kiss is wrong. Having to guide a relationship isn't the way its supposed to work, because the relationship, in order to be right, has to just work.
My mom has this gift; she can judge anyone and everyone, and she is right 100% of the time. I always wished I had that ability, to see right through everyones bullshit. I also wish I actually listened to her when she talked. She can spot a fake from miles away.I think I'm short sighted, I let myself get in close, and then I have to peer in before I see people for who they truly are. This is usually after I have made them my everything... usually right before I'm really hurt.
Instead, I was blessed with the ability to cover up the bullshit I see coming from others, with my own. I'm the dumbest bitch I know, and I accept that. It just means that one day, I'll wake up and be like my mom, able to see all you fuck ups right away. I think I can live with that. Sometimes I dream, and in my dreams I vent ( the other night I shoved a tennis ball down some fucking ugly bitches throat, and as I walked away i was like "I hope you choke and die".. I was greatly dissapointed when i saw her alive and well this morning)
I guess this is where I conclude with a little witty statment teling you to go fuck yourself, but this note really wasn’t written for any one specific. I just think I wanted to tell my favorite stranger that I love him :) my sister that i cant live without her <3 all the players to just quit on me; all the princes' (not frogs you kiss) to figure out what you want from me.Cause I'm just about ready to move the fuck on, as I should have a long fucking time ago.
Better late then never huh?
If I ever met me, I don't think I'd like me very much. Sometimes I wonder how transparent I am... But then I guess it all just depends on how observant the other person really is. I think other people know me and understand me better than I understand myself.I find confidence in my insecurities, yet I find insecurity in my confidence.I don't ever pretend to be someone I'm not, however I find myself if the company of those who are everything but themselves with me. I take their shit, and yet, here I am still.
And I can't fight or complain, because people never change. I have to become smart and mature, and learn what is important to me, and who is important to me. Sometimes I think I have it all figured out, but then one of the gay fuckers, who at the time mean the world to me, sends shit my way and completely throws me off.
Then there are the strangers who can make your life just by sitting next to you and asking you how you are. They are sincere and honest. I wish I could remain strangers with people forever. When this stranger becomes an acquaintance, the thrill of no commitment, no strings, no nothing, is gone. It’s just you and them. You get to know the person as they truly are rather then who they pretend to be, and half the time, I don't like who they are. But i take their shit anyway.
I'm a very picky person. I believe that I won't settle for anything but perfection in the end. The other night, I mentioned that I didn't think I was getting married. The response was that, that told the person a lot about me. Well, shit I guess it should. It should say that I'm not settling for anything if it's not what I want 100%. And why the fuck should I? I deserve to get what I want.
I really hate nosey people. LIke the ones who question my every word, my every fucking little quote or line. If i thought you should know, I would probably tell you before you even had to ask.
I hate liers who can't lie. Like fuck, just give up on the idea, cause trust me, everyone is laughing.
I write about it hoping that seeing it in black and white might make me truly believe what I know, what I have known for a long time now. There are people in your life that don't deserve to be in it. Having to force a smile, a hug or a kiss is wrong. Having to guide a relationship isn't the way its supposed to work, because the relationship, in order to be right, has to just work.
My mom has this gift; she can judge anyone and everyone, and she is right 100% of the time. I always wished I had that ability, to see right through everyones bullshit. I also wish I actually listened to her when she talked. She can spot a fake from miles away.I think I'm short sighted, I let myself get in close, and then I have to peer in before I see people for who they truly are. This is usually after I have made them my everything... usually right before I'm really hurt.
Instead, I was blessed with the ability to cover up the bullshit I see coming from others, with my own. I'm the dumbest bitch I know, and I accept that. It just means that one day, I'll wake up and be like my mom, able to see all you fuck ups right away. I think I can live with that. Sometimes I dream, and in my dreams I vent ( the other night I shoved a tennis ball down some fucking ugly bitches throat, and as I walked away i was like "I hope you choke and die".. I was greatly dissapointed when i saw her alive and well this morning)
I guess this is where I conclude with a little witty statment teling you to go fuck yourself, but this note really wasn’t written for any one specific. I just think I wanted to tell my favorite stranger that I love him :) my sister that i cant live without her <3 all the players to just quit on me; all the princes' (not frogs you kiss) to figure out what you want from me.Cause I'm just about ready to move the fuck on, as I should have a long fucking time ago.
Better late then never huh?
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